INTRO

INTRO

There is something evil here...

It is only beginning...

In the future, a crow will be born

A crow with a “lazër eye”

Many will try to harness its powers

But only three will be sexy and dangerous enough to keep him

Briso... Hammel... Keinhorst...

Together, they form Lazër

And as such, this trio, these “Sons of Rhineland,”

Work to uphold the integrity of the dance

Lazër breaks the rules and laws,

Cutting rugs like dancing saws

LAZËR PARTY COUNTDOWN

Attention dancing slaves:

Lazër is surveillancing you from helicopter

We command for you to begin dances before we land

Or suffer a fate or our choosing

Dance now!

Oh no, excuse me, Lazër is needing for you to get off the helipad

We cannot land the chopper

Please do not dance right there

No, not right there slaves. Yes, move please

Thank you, that's better

T-Minus 20 seconds and counting

The Lazër Party

Countdown

Eight... Warning!

Seven... Heating!

Six... Smoking!

Five... Writhing!

Four... Burning!

Three... Melting!

Two...

Hammel, sound the alarm!

Lazër Party Countdown

Total system lockdown

Lazër Party Countdown

Sexy body meltdown

Attention dancing slaves:

There is good news and bad news

Good news is Lazër is sexy

Bad news is one of you will be a sacrifice

Please can you do us a favor

And stop trying to be Lazër

You should have the good behavior

You can never be the Lazër

If you are the Lazër hater

Keinhorst sting you with the taser

Then we get the gun with lazër

Shoot like Indiana Pacer

The Lazër Party

Countdown

Eight... Warning!

Seven... Heating!

Six... Smoking!

Five... Writhing!

Four... Burning!

Three... Melting!

Two...

Briso, sound the alarm!

Lazër Party Countdown

Total system lockdown

Lazër Party Countdown

Sexy body meltdown

LAZËR CROW

Weapon activated

Do not anger the crow

This crow brings danger, 'cause this crow has lazër

This crow is not a movie

Lazër Crow is a doozy

Do not look in eye of crow

Lazër is in eye of crow

You should like the Lazër

Or Crow does not like you

Crow is only taking order from Lazër

Do not anger

The crow making dangers

Because this crow

Is only crow

With lazër

Hey, stop! Keinhorst, stop the musics. Yes, stop the beat.

This line is much better if it's just Briso.

Uh, no. We trade off every line. Stick to formula, Briso.

Well, new formula: Hammel = shut up, Briso = sexy.

Keinhorst, do a rewind.

No! Keinhorst, no! Damnit Keinhorst, turn it off!

Give me the microphone, Briso.

Ow! No! Get off me!

Ah, you bit me! Oh, you idiot! You knock over my Segway!

Caw! Caw!

Oh, no. Get up!

Oh, yeah. Crow, we just playing around. Yeah, just for fun. It's a play-fight.

Yeah, yeah. We ready to go again, we ready to record.

Caw! Caw!

Peck, bite, kill, strike

Lazër music, you should like

Peck, bite, kill, strike

Lazër music, you should like

Crow is biting, Crow is hurting

This crow is not a movie

Lazër Crow is a doozy

Crow give you two seconds to decide if you like the Lazër

He hover in front of you

You decide wrong choice

Crow shoot lazër and peck you!

Caw!

Do not anger

The crow is making the danger

Everybody must dance for the crow, or the crow will strike you!

Dance! Dance! Dance, dance!

Now you must dance for Crow!

Dance! Dance, dance! Dance!

Now you must dance for Crow!

Dance!

Caw! Caw!

Crow does not care about your family!

THE FÜHRER’S DECREE (SKIT)

(Sounds of water in a bathtub and women giggling)

Oh, yes, it's very dirty right there. Clean it. Yes, good. That is good, right there.

(Footsteps approaching, knocking at the door)

Who is it? Idiot. Come in!

(Door opens, General enters)

Mein Führer, our military patrols have discovered large amount of funky beats in hills of Rhineland ! The townspeople is saying the beats is coming from a castle occupied by a squadron called… “Lazër.”

General, why must you pester me with these... trivialities? Can't you see I'm being bathed by two plump whores?

Where else should I be washing you, mein Führer?

Silence you overweight trollop! Get me more grapes, slut. General, who are these “Lazërs” you speak of?

We have very little informations at this point. Lazër is a mysterious group, and there castle is shrouded in... shrouds.

Shrouded in shrouds? Don’t you mean “shrouded in mystery?”

Well, yes, but I already said they were a “mysterious” group, so I wasn’t wanting to be redundant. Anyway, their music is floating down the mountains and bringing joy to the impoverished masses we have worked so hard to oppress. The council has declared Lazër a threat to our regime.

General, it is seeming your memory fails you. My tanks crushed all forms of happiness in the early years of the regime. There is no music left.

Forgive me, Führer, but I hear this music with mine own ear! These are most funky beats in Europe ! We must quell this uprising immediately to prevent the spread of hope among the people.

Hmmmmmmmmm… Clean around more on this side, yes. Over here, yes.

Mein Führer? The army awaits your command!

And where the hell are my grapes?

Führer?! Time is of the essence!

Silence! This calls for a more severe punishment. Send in the Nazi Pirates!

(General leaves, closing door behind him.)

Ah… very good! You are one of my best sluts. These are seedless grapes, right?

¡DANGER! (LAZËR UNDER SIEGE)

Briso, have you seen Keinhorst? We were supposed to play Dance Dance Revolution today.

Be quiet, I’m trying to cook my TV dinner. Where is the door on this microwaver?

That is not microwaver you buttwipe, it is radar machine.

Oh yeah, then why did it just make a “beep beep?”

What?! It made a beep? Move your Salisbury steak off the screen.

Um… Hammel? Why is a giant swastika moving at our house?

That is formation used by the Führer’s Nazi pirates!

Oh, poop.

Quick, go and wake the crow. Find Keinhorst and tell him to raise the drawbridge.

You want to fight the Lazër

We cut you up like razor

Your mission now in danger

Abort it with coat hanger

We are bad guy erasers

Like Arnold Schwarzeneggers

You’ll never beat the Lazër

And kids, don’t talk to strangers!

Come on Crow, please awake now

Come on Crow, help us fight now

Come on Crow, Jesus Christo

Come on Crow, wake for Briso

I know, I know, last time I joke you

But this time Nazis really broke through!

Come on Crow, we need you to fly

And shoot everybody with your lazër eye!

You have to fight for Lazër

You have to bring the danger

You have to use the anger

You have to be the savior

Come on Crow, please awake now

Come on Crow, help us fight now

Come on Crow, you’re the best now

Come on Cro… oh poop!

(Fight sounds)

Don't do that.

Lazër, this is Hammel. I am hanging from ropes in the belfry. I killed 25 Nazi Pirates by pouring acid on them. Keinhorst, what is your status?

Um… Hammel? This is Briso. I think I saw Keinhorst swimming in the moat dressed like alligator.

Keinhorst, respond! How many Nazi Pirates did you kill?

I saw him eating a lot of drugs. I think he probably scared some of the Nazis away.

Well tell him to get up here. The radar shows there is more waves of Nazis approaching, and it is looking like the Führer is with them! Briso, how many did you kill?

Uh… I don’t know, I spend 20 minutes trying to awake the crow.

Look, just get him some grubbyworms from the jar on my bureau next to the lotion. Oh no, there’s the Führer!

Now I must kill the Lazër

They give me so much anger

After I shoot you wankers

I’ll find your mom and spank her

Call me the Terminator

Like Arnold Schwarzenegger

Your crow won’t bring the danger

Keinhorst is alligator!

(Fight sounds)

Destroy them!

No! No! Mein Führer!

(Sound of Lazër Crow breaking through a window, flying in and shooting at the Führer and Nazi Pirates)

Oh, no! Ah! Ah!

Caw! Caw!

Ah! Aaaaaaaah!!!

(Explosion)

Caw! Caw!

Lazër, it looks like we’ve driven the Nazis away. Good job guys. Report to me now with your status.

Caw! Caw!

What’s that? You killed 250 Nazis, Crow? Great job. Briso, what about you?

I cannot believe it, me and Lazër Crow killed 250 bad guys.

Right, Crow told me he killed 250, but how many did you kill?

(Sound of Briso making static noises with his mouth)

You’re breaking up. I’m sorry, I have to go now.

Whatever. Keinhorst, how many did you kill? Keinhorst, report! Keinhorst?!?

FRAGILE EARS

Keinhorst? It's me Briso.

I can't believe you drown in the moat when we were fighting Nazis.

Me and Hammel is wishing you were still being here.

Our inside parts is hurting so bad to be with you.

But I know you are floating with Mr. God in outer space right now.

And one day, you will become the awesome skeleton.

And one day also, me and Hammel will be the skeletons.

And that is only reason we still are having any hope to be alive.

Just today, I hear somebody say

My friend, Keinhorst, is not alive

It's not fair, to say this to my fragile ears

I tell myself that you are not dead

But instead you are very dead

Fragile ears, my fragile ears

I can't believe what my eyes can see

So you tell to me again

Fragile ears, can't fight the tears

Because you die, I have to cry

But I am not the gay

Briso said he found your body dead

This cannot be, you're just asleep because you overdosed on speed

But... somehow I feel, this time it's real deal

You're gone for good, and I wish you would

Come back, but not as a ghost (I'm afraid of ghosts)

Fragile ears, my fragile ears

I can't believe what my eyes can see

So you tell to me again

Fragile ears, can't fight the tears

Because you die, I have to cry

But Hammel is not the gay

I wish you were here, but you're dead, but I love you

Keinhorst, it's me Hammel.

Um, you know... this was not a best time for you to die for me.

Um, number A, I was supposedly to get that rematch in DDR.

I guess I am having to consider this a forfeit.

Uh, number B, you left all your stuff to the crow.

I gotta be honest, I'm having a hard time with this one.

Caw!

Ugh. The crow says, “Hi,” by the way.

Uh, number C... uh... um... damnit! My paper's all wet now.

But, who cares anyway, that is all “bridge under the water.”

I remember all the fun times we made,

Like when you did heroin and I made a trick that I was the witch in your closet,

And... ow! I think I stepped on jellyfish!

Okay, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later, Keinhorst.

Hammel, come quick! I find a Jaws!

(Sound of Briso hitting a whale)

Be quiet your mouth, Jaws!

Briso, stop it! Hey, stop it! Quit hitting him!

It's not a shark you idiot, this is beached whale. He's in danger.

Here, help me push him back in ocean.

(Grunting sounds as Briso and Hammel push the whale back into the water)

Beached whale is heavy!

There you go, Mr. Whale, you're free. Make a swim to your home.

Thanks guys! Wanna ride me around for a while?

Umm, well, hmmm...

Yes!

THE WHALE SONG

Hammel, are you sure it is safe to be riding whale in ocean?

I think the whale knows what he is doing.

Um, okay, but I get to ride on front.

Okay, I don't care.

Hang on tight, it's gonna be slippery!

You might wanna hang onto my fin.

Whoa!

(Splash as whale dives under water)

(Coughing)

What the fish is you doing, whale? Do we look like we have gills?

Oh, my bad, wussies. I'll keep your heads above water from here on.

(Seagull squawks as it flies over)

Ah! That seagull just made a crap on me!

Who cares? Look how fast we is going! Woo hoo!

(Splash)

Oh look, a manatee! You were right, Hammel, this is the best!

It's so fun, it's like, so much fun, it's like weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I know, it's awesome!

Sorry I punch you, Jaws. I didn't know you were super fast!

(Dolphin sound)

Hey, Flipper! Where's Jonathan Brandis?

I can't see Rhineland anymores. How far are we going, Hammel?

I don't know. Why don't you ask the whale?

Hey Jaws! Jaws! Does he have ears?

Of course he does, but they're underwaters.

Hold on, I think he is making a stop.

Oh, that was so fun! Thank you for the ride!

Yes, I love you, Jaws! But now we can be going home, yes?

First of all, I'm not a shark you idiot.

Secondly, I'm gonna take a little detour down to the Gulf of Mexico if you don't mind.

Got a little she-whale I need to holler at down there.

Um, we is really needing to get back to Rhineland .

(Whale roars)

Oh my God, he's a monster Hammel!

Okay, sure! We go see your friend first. Good idea!

Well, actually, I'll need some privacy, so I'm gonna drop you guys off on the beach.

Now I'm gonna dive really deep, so hold your breath.

If you need air, just put your face in my blowhole and suck.

Hold oooooooooon!

(Splash as whale dives under water)

Wait, Jaws! When is you coming back for us?

I don't think he's coming back.

Oh, no!

INTERLUDE

You have one unheard message. First message:

Hey there, Lane Rackets, Whale Voice Records. Listen, everybody here at the label's really excited to have Lazër on board, but we haven't seen you boys for a couple of weeks, and that advance money you got came on the condition that you hold up your end of the deal. So if you could, give me a holler. Let's set up some time for you boys to get in the studio with our engineers and make a hit record. Hell, this week, Jared from Subway was in here for a few hours with his new industrial band... amazing stuff! Speakin' of, I'm thinkin' of gettin' y'all together for a little collabo. Ah... I'm sorry, I'm puttin' the cart in front of the horse. For now, let's just focus on you guys. Call me.

(End of messages)

Hello. I'm the old fart you heard at the beginning of the record. Well, Briso and Hammel have signed a record deal in Texas after being taken for a ride by what I can only assume was a sperm whale. Unfortunately, Keinhorst didn't make it, but I'm not sure he did much anyway. The real question is: What are they going to do without their beloved mascot and bodyguard, Lazër Crow? Ah, the hell with it! I'm drunk. Hammel! Hit me with the drums! Oh snap! This beat is dumb nice. Uh! Uhhhhh! I'm feeling you Hammel, I'm feeling you. Oooh! Damn, that's hot! Good lord, man! This beat go hard. Ya heard me? Holla at ya boy.

NIGHT MOVES

Sneaky sneak, smoothy smooth.

Sneaky sneak... oh yes!

The Rhineland government has sent Lazër to your discotheques.

We are ambassadors for dancing.

Americans is too busy trying to dance and be the cool,

So now we are having to show you... Night Moves.

Dance! Dance, dance!

Dance for Lazër!

I want to do the Night Moves

I want to lose control

And tonight when no one’s looking

No means yes and yes means no

Look at my body move, it's like a shadow or a ghost

Boo!

Look at my body move

Uh huh!

Look at my body move

Uh huh!

Let me dance you

Yes!

Do you really care who sees?

No!

Look at my body move

Do it!

Oh yes!

Pretend you are the cat

(Meow, meow!)

Make your body move like the serpent

(Fresh!)

Lazër will teach you the way that you must do the dance

Everybody dance for Lazër!

I want to do the Night Moves

I want to lose control

And tonight when no one’s looking

No means yes and yes means no

Everybody get on the floor

And if you want it Lazër can be giving you more

Let me see you wiggle and shake

Act like a leopard or pretend you’re a snake

Everybody dance all around

And if you want to you can drop your clothes on the ground

Nobody can tell you to stop

‘Cause Lazër makes the party unbelievably hot